The one who holds my heart
First of all I would like to say that I sympathize with anyone who has ever loved and lost. Whether it be a loss through breaking up or the loss of you're loved ones life. I've been to hell and back with the struggle of loosing Tyler. And anyone who has felt the pain of knowing they were going to lose they best thing they ever had, knows how I felt.
He was my best friend, the only person I knew that would always be there for me, would always listen to what I had to say, would always agree that my way was best...even when we both knew it wasn't, and he kept a smile on my face even when he was gone. We hadn't been friends for more then a few months, but I had fallen in love with him. And now it had been almost 2 years, and the horrible cancer disease inside his body was pushing it's way through to the surface. It had been quietly hiding deep inside, making everyone think that Tyler would be ok. But it struck him at a very critical point. He was sick, with Influenza, and the cancer spread through his entire body, controlling everything, killing everything.
Tyler's doctors couldn't find a way to treat or stop the cancer, so it continued to progress throughout his youthful body. He was only 21 years old when the cancer finally got to him. The last month of his life was one of the hardest of my own life. The days seemed to all blur together as I watched my true love drift away from his painful state of being. Every second I got to be with him I would hold him and remind him of the love that I had for him. The day he died I felt almost a sense of relief. I knew that he couldn't be hurting now, and he had been set free from all of the pain he had. But the days, weeks, months, and even years following his death have consumed my life. At first the tears and sadness and pain came non-stop into my life. His beautiful eyes were all I could picture or dream of. I couldn't go on. He would never be there to let me cry on his shoulder, or to tell me that the sun only shines when I'm around. I would never be as close to anyone as I was to him. And I wanted to die. I had promised him I wouldn't do anything, but I was pushed to the edge. I started to go to therapy but it couldn't bring him back. I felt stranded alone in my own world, looking for the one person who knew the way out. And I still today am waiting to find him, but I now know that he is here. He is guiding me, unknown to me, through my life. I feel him in me, pushing me to be more then just an anybody, to live life to the brim. And I have learned to live my life for myself, not for him. However, he will always hold my heart...so my life will always be his. And the time will come when I can see him and hold him once more, and again, my life will be more than perfect.
Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:18 am
